This week I checked the box, “I will not be returning to school next year,” and handed it in. I cannot remember a time that I have felt this frightened, this excited and this numb at the same time. Last weekend I hibernated as the recruiting fairs of the past two weekends had taken their toil. That Saturday night I slept for 12 hours straight. I fell asleep in my clothes and woke up hoarse, thankful for no fever or sore throat. Since waking, I’ve been in an altered state; detached in a new way. I had a Skype interview last Sunday night, and within minutes I knew it wasn’t a right fit and cut the cord. Free falling again. Monday morning I handed in my decision with the box checked.
By mid-week I’d contacted my real estate neighbor and said I was ready to proceed with the selling of my house. We met to discuss the contract, set a selling price and take photos. I spent the next few days detailing my home, cleaning out a few remaining closets and having my carpets cleaned. Yesterday my house went on the market.
I’ve simply invested too much mentally, emotionally and economically to turn back now. I’m sure the difference between being wise and being foolish is very slim, similar to the way that pain and humor reside close together. A friend once said, “I’m a paycheck away from living beneath Highway 30.” I know how he feels. I’ve sold almost everything I own, I’m about to be homeless and I’ve just let go of my job, with no security that there will be one in the future.
But in those brief moments when fear seems distant, the possibilities seem great! If I don’t get offered a teaching contract that I want, I could volunteer on a woof farm! I could volunteer for Mercy Ships! I could apply for artist residencies! I could travel around the world seeing all the great people I’ve met. If I were to do that, my flight pattern might look like this: Dallas to London; to Scotland; to Germany; to Switzerland; to Morocco; to Turkey; to Taiwan; to Seoul; then to LAX; then to Craigslist to buy an RV, turn south to San Diego, park it on a beach and go swimming in the Pacific. That sounds pretty good. I’m free. I can do anything! How thankful and fortunate I am. As my brother says, “Sell the house and damn the torpedos!”
Last September I wrote an article called, “Transitions, Or Leaping From The Lion’s Head.” In it, I included a video, “ The Parable of the Trapeze,” with the voice of Daanan Parry. I’ve watched that video again this week and invite you to also. When referring to letting go of the net, Parry says, “We do it anyway because somehow, to hold on to the old net is no longer on the list of alternatives. The past is gone, the future is not quite here. It’s called transition.” I recognize that I had to let go completely before my net will appear. I’ve stepped off the cliff; let’s see what happens!
[…] first time I documented leaving a job without the certainty of a new job (The Net Will Appear) I was full of anxiety. This time I’m as cool as a cucumber. I’ve learned so much since […]
This may be how the disciples felt when “they left their nets and followed Him.” I’m sure letting go of their nets–their livelihood, their life as they had known it, essentially how they defined themselves previously–was no less daunting/exciting!
Of course. Great example from biblical history. It’s so easy to get tangled in the net and stuck. I’m sure glad my good, secure net appeared when I needed it to. Kinda like my parachute opened after I jumped off the cliff. 🙂
[…] I suspected might happen after the letting go of last week, this week my calving started and the earth started shaking under my […]
Hi Anita! Good luck to your plan on moving to a new house… I’m sure it’s refreshing to start living in a new home… 🙂
What a milestone for you! I hope you can embrace the liberation–it sounds like you have. I know there are some lucky students waiting for you somewhere. If you choose to go with plan b, that sounds fascinating too! Ah Anita it will all come together for you.
Thanks, Wendy, for your continued friendship and support. It will be whatever it is. I’m excited to see what will be unveiled.
AMAZING post Anita!!!! Every word of this is inspiring 🙂 yes, the opportunities are boundless! Only certain people are able to see things that way, and only certain people have that wonderful feeling of freedom and “high” from so many possibilities out there. You may be very glad when your net is not what you expected! I know personally tha people can be very critical of these kind of choices, and others insanely jealous, keep going and enjoy the ride! I can’t wait to join you! Down to 16 months 🙂
Jenny, thank you! You are exactly correct about not everyone being able to see things this way. I’m quite sure, in fact, that I haven’t been able to see things this way until quite recently! I am very happy and quite optimistic about the change in ME I am seeing. Thank you so much for your support! And, keep in touch, so that in 16 months you can count me in as one of your friends in distant places.
Anita, I followed your suggestion and have just finished viewing “Transition. Or Leaping From The Lion’s Head” once again. I have read your blog and experienced your ambitions, challenges and your resultant strengths. I will pray for your protection. Be reminded that your blog has taught you that you have writing skills and a responsibility to those of us who love you and have no other way to experience the changes you are contemplating, unless you commit to the continuation of your blog or a written record. My love goes with you wherever you are. Mom
I hope to continue my blog, or start a new one–assuming I have internet capabilities! The subject matter will change as I will want to share all that I’m experiencing with those I love, in hopes of inspiring everyone to leap from the Lion’s Head!
Good for you! All your friends are here as your back up net. What wonders you are about to experience!
My friends are a backup net indeed. I’ve already had friends tell me I can come live with them if my house sells! 🙂 Start saving your money to come visit. 🙂
Isn’t it crazy? 🙂 Shelley we simply MUST see one another before I ship off. The spring will be crazy busy at school for both of us, but we must squeeze in some time. I miss you!
Agreed..we MUST! Your schedule is more hectic than mine, so let me know when you have a free moment over a weekend. Assuming weekends work best for you.
Your adventure awaits! I pray you continue to keep in touch. Those who know and love you, will miss you if you don’t!